So we’ve got this great conspiracy, and we’re getting the world set up for domination by the Space Aliens so that we can make everyone on Earth worship Satan. Yet, it’s just not satisfying enough. No, it seems there’s something missing. What’s an evil conspiracy organization to do?

Well, the answer came to us one night, as if in a dream. A single mum, nearly penniless, came to us with a proposition: if we would make her fabulously wealthy and famous, she would expand our operation to target children. The author in question, of course, was J. K. Rowling, and her Harry Potter series has been an inspiration for Satanic conspirators everywhere.

COMMON KNOWLEDGE:
The Harry Potter books seem nice enough to the casual observer. Nevertheless, they are nothing short of pure evil! They are cleverly written to make children become Satan-worshipping witches and wizards, make them susceptible to mind control, and encourage them to read. Yes, our evil knows no bounds. In fact, the Harry Potter books lead children through such alarming topics as dealing with bigotry, standing up to bullies, and assisting others when they are in distress. We were truly pleased with ourselves when we accepted Rowling’s offer.

Harry’s scar, shaped like an “S,” is irrefutable proof of Harry’s Satanic roots. “S” stands for Satan, since studying several series of syllables shows that only the word “Satan” starts with “S.”

We’ve also made sure that children get sucked into Satanism by putting a lightning-bolt shaped scar on Harry’s forehead. This scar is actually the letter “S,” which naturally stands for “Satan.” (It had to stand for something, and as everyone knows, no other words start with the letter “S.”)

We also made sure to include some strong female characters, like the half-”muggle,” half-wizard character named “Hermione.” This is part of our effort—in cooperation with the YWCA—to encourage feminism, which necessitates rejecting Christianity. Then, just for good measure, we also made sure the books were designed in such a way as to encourage children to steal, murder, and lie indiscriminately.

The best part is this: eventually the books will cause children to hear voices in their dreams and communicate personally with Satan.

Unfortunately, some members of the resistance have caught on to our plot. A pair of alert parents in Bend, Oregon saw through our clever disguises and attempted to have the books banned from the local school library. A British school in Chatham, Kent banned the series when the headmistress decided that they did not conform to “church ethos.” In Zeeland, Michigan, School Superintendent Gary Feenstra banned the books, but our agents were successful in causing him to rescind the ban. In fact, the books were the most censored books in the United States in 1999.

Despite these efforts, we have continued to use the Harry Potter books to infiltrate the minds—and, yes, even the souls—of the world’s children. Once we have control of them, we will control the world (even more than we already do).

THE LESSER KNOWN HISTORY:
The Harry Potter books have been planned for years to culminate in the ultimate coup: the Harry Potter movie. The movie will contain subliminal messages that will cause children to join Satanic organizations: the Masons, the Democratic Party, and the American Library Association. J.K. Rowling, meanwhile, is busy learning how to sacrifice goats on the third full moon of each year.

Updated Jun 16, 2002

 ©1999-2002 Twilight Media & Design • All Rights Reserved • Last Updated Sunday, June 16, 2002
 

Best viewed using a version 6.0 browser or above.
Use of any other browser may cause use to track your movements for the next ten years.