When the New World Order has established planet-wide control, we plan to implement some changes in the way the world works. It shall be a glorious day when the people of Earth awaken to find that they no longer need money. We shall supply them with everything they need: food, shelter, work, clothing, little plastic Satan statues to put on their dashboards, and plenty of opportunities to have sex with despotic world rulers.

Yes, the New World Order invented communism, and as such, we have learned from our past mistakes. Our new system, Communism 2.0, will offer considerable upgrades from the old version. For instance, there will be no more standing in lines to get bread. Bread will now be dropped into homes from unmarked black helicopters. Standing in line will be reserved for bathroom privileges.

In fact, much of the economy will be based on the need for toilet facilities. A person's wealth will no longer be measured by how much money he has; instead, it will be measured by how much toilet access he has accumulated. For instance, a merchant might sell a brand new computer for 200 minutes of restroom time. Workers will be compensated with the privilege to empty their bladders every six to eight hours.

To track this system, a giant computer database called Toilet Habitation Economics Binary Ethernet Access System Tracking (THEBEAST) will be created. THEBEAST will record data about every person on the planet through the use of a small identification mark. No person will be allowed to purchase goods or services or use the toilet without this mark. Naturally, the entire program will be managed by Microsoft, since Bill Gates is the antichrist.

Communism 2.0 will represent a quantum leap in world economics. All people will be considered of equal worth, except for those who are active members of the New World Order, because, let's face it: all those equally valuable slaves need someone to be their masters. And, naturally, some of them will need comforting from time to time. That's why we plan to implement the generous Gorgeous Supermodel Copulation program, wherein fabulously beautiful women will be allowed to ease their suffering by having sex with leaders of our organization. And, since supermodels often don't realize when they are suffering, we will inform them when they are in need of comforting. We've thought of everything; no subtle nuance has escaped our thoughtful scrutiny.

At the New World Order, we're looking out for your best interests. And don't worry; we'll tell you what they are.

Updated Jun 16, 2002