At the New World Order, we find joy in the simple things: puppies, kittens, sunsets, a cool breeze on a nice warm summer day, a mug of hot cocoa in front of a roaring fire during a soft snow shower, a blind maniacal and all-encompassing hatred for anything remotely related to Christianity, and so on. We are, after all, pursuing our dreams . . . and isn’t that really all anyone can do?

Our dream is of a planet where we have destroyed all governments and religions, and forced everyone to worship Satan. Satan, by the way, is a space alien who is originally from the planet Mars.

Why would we want to do this? Mostly, it’s because we’re a Satanic conspiracy and that’s pretty much what Satanic conspiracies do. Plus, we miss the old days when we could feed Christians to the lions. (In all honesty, the lions kind of miss those days, too.) The closest thing we have to that now is professional wrestling, and that really doesn’t let us do much with the lions.

Yes, the world will be a happier place. Baptists will dance. Catholics will use birth control. Methodists will . . . well, they’ll pretty much do everything they do now. And, of course, it will all be overseen by Mohammed, who we will eventually reveal to be the antichrist.

So, when people tell you the New World Order is an anti-religious conspiracy, you’ll know better. You’ll be able to say, “The New World Order is actually a very religious organization, dedicated to the eradication of all Christians and their beliefs, and the worship of Satan and other space aliens.” Then, you can invite them to Zeta Reticuli for a human sacrifice and some tea. After all, the lions do so appreciate an audience.

Updated Jun 16, 2002